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Emotions
Infertility is a major life crisis. It profoundly affects how we view ourselves and often comes as a total and extremely unwelcome shock. On tests of levels of stress in your life, infertility would get a 10 if it were acknowledged on one of those tests. It usually is not acknowledged and this lack of recognition of the pain can exacerbate your own pain. It seems the world provides little support for infertility, nor are there social rituals to mark these losses.
Furthermore, infertility is not physically self-evident. No one sees the scars. Many of us reel monthly from the pain of death: an actual death in the form of a miscarriage or a metaphorical death as in the death of the dream of a biological child. Added to these challenges are the time and energy spent going to doctor visits, taking and receiving medications and having surgeries.
Each of you will cope with these losses and the concomitant stress differently: some by crying, some by stoicism, some by praying, some by talking with others who have experienced the same pain, some by buying another book on infertility. Others will seek out counseling, join an AIA or RESOLVE support group or take a stress reduction class. There is no right or wrong way. Each person in a couple may take much different paths through the dark tunnel of infertility.
Symptoms of Depression
Everyone will feel some of these some of the time.
- Feelings of emptiness or extreme sadness
- Loss of interest and motivation to do regular activities
- Increased level of anxiety
- Decreased level of energy
- Difficulty sleeping or sleeping more than is usual for you
- Difficulty concentrating
- Abnormal weight loss or gain
- Obsessive thinking about your infertility
- Feelings of isolation from friends and family
- Extreme and persistent feelings of anger
- Persistent thoughts of death or suicidal thoughts or attempts
- Persistent feelings of inadequacy, or worthlessness
Please seek help from a mental health professional if you are feeling a number of theses symptoms over a prolonged period of time.
Support
At PFC we recognize the importance of having your feelings and emotions about infertility validated. We understand this is a very emotionally and physically challenging time.
Taking this into account, our care at Pacific Fertility Center is holistic. In addition to supporting a personal relationship with your physician, we strive to minimize your physical discomforts, deal with your emotional concerns, and decrease the disruptive affect your care may have on your life.
We want you to feel cared for: your needs recognized and met.
- Our doors are open everyday of the year.
- A physician can always be reached.
- Please feel free to talk to anyone one of us about your frustrations and concerns.
- If you would like to take advantage of the professional guidance of a counselor we have an in-house marriage and family therapist who is specialized in helping those experiencing infertility. We can provide referrals to qualified counselors in your area.
Coping Suggestions from Peggy Orlin, MFT
For most, if not all, infertility is a time of enormous stress and struggle. During this time many of us put off taking a new job, going back to school or any of a myriad of other decisions that get relegated to the back burner while pursuing pregnancy. Making a life becomes our life.
In order to feel as good as possible during your infertility experience, you will need to develop some good coping skills.
Coping is "developing the ability to manage in a difficult situation."
DO:
Give up any and all feelings of guilt for how you are feeling. There is no right or wrong way to experience infertility. Your feelings may run the gamut from indifference to intense anger and despair and everywhere in between.
DO:
Chose the gatherings you attend carefully. If being around children or babies upsets you, gracefully decline invitations to events where they are likely to be present. Know your limits and stick with them.
DO:
Continue to get moderate amounts of exercise. Eat healthily and get plenty of rest. You will feel better if you treat your body with care.
DO:
Reach out to childfree friends. Their company will be adult-focused.
DO:
Think of non-child centered rituals. Take a vacation. Eat at a fancy restaurant.
DO:
Shop from catalogs. You will avoid mall madness.
DO:
Attend religious services at the time when there will be the least number of children. Or attend on a university campus, as those services tend to be more adult-focused.
DO:
Volunteer at a nursing home or homeless shelter. It may help to help others who are having a difficult time.
DO:
Plan for how you will answer uninvited questions about when you're going to have children. Remember, you are not required to tell them your entire "story!"
DO:
Communicate with your partner to let him/her know of your feelings. Even if you and your partner are feeling differently it may help to share. If you are single, call a friend with whom you feel safe to share your feelings.
DO:
Meet and talk with others who are experiencing similar feelings. Finding that you are not alone helps.
DO:
Learn stress reduction techniques. At the best, they may help you get pregnant, at the least they will help you to feel better while you are in the process.
DO:
Seek out a professional counselor if you have symptoms of depression for more than two weeks.
DO:
Join us at our Mind/Body@PFC Weekend Workshops. Call 415-834-3000 for more information regarding fees and registration.
Use whatever of these suggestions seems helpful to you. Do what feels right for you.
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